For some odd reason I’m content. I’m content about the fact that I’m alive today, that I can still love, that even though I’m so emotionally damaged I can still be willing to give my heart to somebody. Right now, I’m in a relationship where I feel like the guy is cheating on me or cheating with me I don’t know and quite frankly I would LOVE to know because I actually care. Then I would be able to detect whether this will be a repeat of all the other relationships I have been in, where guys just played me. But what if I’m not meant to know? Lesson maybe? Recently I found out that that I may have been a side-chick (unknowingly) more times than I have been a girlfriend, the main girlfriend.
And I end up there, loving somebody else’s man with all my being.
And the only affection he feels for me is when he wants to fuck or talk but he just cannot love me enough to make me his one and only, even temporarily. I don’t understand, I mean why lie to me? And her? And yourself? Make me fall for you while you’re still somebody else’s, and you aren’t even planning on leaving her. The greed? What do you actually gain from this? Is what you gain worth it? I felt like calling all these assholes when I realised this. I wanted to ask them: “Like? WHY the fuck?” Being a side-chick is not the love I deserve. Nobody deserves that, not even the most “open” yellow-bones. I would not wish that over anybody.
I’m sure that when (if) the girls find out, they look at me and see a jealous skank who tried stealing their men, when I didn’t even know he was theirs. Anyway, I constantly remind myself of what this (current) guy is, what he is known for. I constantly compare myself with all his ex-girlfriends, and perhaps other current girlfriends. I also remember remembering that comparison is the thief of joy, I should have stopped comparing, but I did not. I will most probably never be as good in bed as his other ex, or maybe he has prettier and sexier exes that I can’t compete with…
But… Yes, Fuck! There is a “but”! I’m smart; I’m one of the smartest girls he will ever date in his lifetime. I’m willing to love him differently and effortlessly and endlessly; I’m willing to love him well, I’m willing to stay. I may be textbook naïve, but I’m not gullible, it’s just that I just always see the best in people and I constantly give them the benefit of the doubt, hoping they will rise to the occasion. That may mean that I fall for almost any Tom, Dick and Sipho (which I don’t) but I don’t love them to appease their selfish needs, I love them for me.
See, in life the only thing we have is love. We receive love; we give love. During those times, it seems like love is actually the only thing in life that makes the most sense when you ponder on it. We were after all made by love, God is love. I’ve been through so much, too much because of this love thing, and I guess I’m proof that those who have been hurt know how to love.
Not to brag but, I’m extremely kind, tolerant and humble, also beautiful in my own unique way. Any guy would be lucky to have me. With that said, I know (well I’m guessing) he (current guy) is going to break me, and maybe that’s what I need. Maybe, I need to be so impossible to fix. Maybe, I need to turn off these feelings. Maybe, No lights will guide me home; soon I will not be fixable.
Because I’ve realised that I’m always the rule, never the exception. Although I was hoping that he would stay for a while, so I would be his girl for a while, but I don’t know I mean, one cannot really pinpoint somebody else’s feelings towards them. Feelings change all the time.
I deserve love in its purest and truest form. Without having to beg for it, without trying to be similar to past girlfriends or desperately trying to be different in order to leave a “mark”. I deserve a love that allows me to be me, that allows me to be love and in love. Everybody loves for different reasons and is loved for different reasons. I don’t want anybody else’s kind of love, but my own kind, a peculiar kind of love. A love of my own, my own kind of love. That is what I deserve. And if you want to give me side-chick love, pass me over.
See, I don’t ever want to complain to the LORD again saying: “God, do you see? It’s too heavy. This love is too hard.” Because love should not be hard, it is the most natural thing, the most essential human instinct after breathing. The love I deserve is the love that is from within me, because it caters for me and all the other assholes I end up with.